“Some parents say it is toy guns that make boys warlike. But give a boy a rubber duck and he will seize its neck like the butt of a pistol and shout "Bang!"” George F. WillI was reading about the ways that boys take out aggression and it freaked me out a little. One way that always freaks me out to see little boys playing with guns and shooting at each other. It really is something I am uncomfortable with. As a teacher I have policies dictating that there are no guns allowed in school; this means anything from a real gun to a toy gun to a finger gun to using blocks as guns. No guns or, as is said in my classroom often, “no pistolas”. In the article, a mother asks the author what to do when another mother is critical of her son being allowed to act out aggression using toy guns. The author goes on to say that if you tell the mother you see she is uncomfortable and ask her if she thinks childhood play leads to adult violence, most likely the mother will admit that shooting of any kind makes her uncomfortable. DING DING DING! That’s me. The author goes on to explain that what he knows for “certain” is that there is no research to back up that childhood toy gun play will lead to any adult violence. I’m not really worried about that, actually. I think my fear comes from not being raised around guns and the fact that I have never shot a gun. It also possibly stems from this nightmare I have about having a gun and needing to shoot someone and I can’t figure out how to work the gun. Whatever the reason, the author hit my perspective dead on. It makes ME uncomfortable but why would I project that on my sons? I know that this toy gun play will not make them dangerous, violent individuals. I can’t say I will ever buy my sons toy guns that look like real guns. Water guns might be as much as you get out of me. At least now that I’ve processed the article I won’t get that uneasy feeling in my stomach when I see my son use his fingers as a gun and shoot his little brother. Luckily, we are not to that point yet. Right now I need to focus on teaching Monkey that just because Bubs is crying, he does not need a paci shoved into his mouth.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Quote: Gun Play
Saturday, February 20, 2010
STFU Island
A local radio station has a STFU island (look up the acronym if you are unsure ). This is where they "send" people that they will never talk about again, like Jon Gosselin because he never really stops making dumb decisions or Octomom because they were sick of all the drama.
I like this idea, but instead I will send them there because the stupid things they do to, do in front of, say about or say to my children or other children. I, unlike the radio station, may rebanish them if they make another stupid comment/move.
The first banished is a family member (yes, it does make me feel better than I can add "by marriage" to this description) for shouting, " I just call them n***ers" in front of my children. BANISHED!
The second is the woman who was crossing in front of me at a four way stop. Innocent you say? It really was, until I saw another woman in the back of the car bouncing a 6 month-ish old child...on her leg . Are you kidding me?! Both of you.. BANISHED!
Wow. That felt amazingly good.
I like this idea, but instead I will send them there because the stupid things they do to, do in front of, say about or say to my children or other children. I, unlike the radio station, may rebanish them if they make another stupid comment/move.
The first banished is a family member (yes, it does make me feel better than I can add "by marriage" to this description) for shouting, " I just call them n***ers" in front of my children. BANISHED!
The second is the woman who was crossing in front of me at a four way stop. Innocent you say? It really was, until I saw another woman in the back of the car bouncing a 6 month-ish old child...on her leg . Are you kidding me?! Both of you.. BANISHED!
Wow. That felt amazingly good.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
The Dragon
"If you are going to be the parent of a boy, you might as well prepare yourself for an amazing adventure, as if you were a small child clambering onto the back of a huge winged dragon."He went on to write:
Michael Thompson; It’s a Boy: Understanding Your Son’s Development from Birth to Age 18
“ If you are a woman on the back of this dragon, you will swoop down to earth and see things in an entirely new way, through the eyes of a boy. For a mother, raising your son is the closest you will ever come to crossing that unabridged gender line.” and,
“If you are a father, you are going to rediscover everything about your own boyhood from a different angle, and it will be disorientating for you.”
I love this quote because it so captures what an adventure it is to be a raising a boy. I’m sure that there is an equally as captivating quote for raising little girls. I’m also sure that if you are raising a girl, you could switch the father and woman quotes and probably come pretty close to the truth. But, I’m raising a boy and a dragon it is! I read this quote a couple of weeks ago and while I understood it and loved the metaphor of it all, I don’t think I really “got it” until this weekend. Monkey has always been this beautiful combination of sensitive and rugged. Many people in our family have talked of his “healing” presence. He doesn’t take life seriously and reminds you to do the same. He seems to have a sixth sense about when people are upset and he doesn’t cuddle or hug them, but instead makes them laugh. He’s our little class clown. However, this weekend has brought out his rugged side. I’m not sure why I chose rugged, which reminds me a bit of a mountain man, but here are some different terms I might have used to describe this side: a) all boy b) acting with reckless abandon and giggling about it the whole entire time c) playing in such a way that makes me wonder how many times my heart can jump out of my chest before it just stops working and finally d) fearless.
Our ottoman, which is maybe 2.5 ft by 1ft , sits in front our couch. Today, it sat far away. Monkey has jumped from the couch to the ottoman and back again countless times since he was able to stand on his own. We are always near and it’s always less than 6 inches from the couch. However, I moved it to the middle of the room to vacuum. Monkey climbed on top, got his balance on the cushy surface and jumped. He barely made it. I didn’t think too much of it because our couch is huge, deep, and very soft. Then, to my
I am really trying to foster this “boyhood” with a watchful eye and allow him to gain his independence at a distance that is comfortable for both of us. However, for the 10 minutes that this went on, I probably held my breath for 5 of them. This is the dragon Thompson is talking about. This sure is an adventure but I’m not sure amazing would describe it. I think it would be better if he said “an adventure that will leave you breathless, and not because it’s so beautiful but because you spend most of your time holding your breath hoping that if you are not there to catch him when he falls, the couch will be.”
Here is the conundrum I have been struggling with the past few weeks: I am attempting (which seems like way too weak of a word) to nurture the adventure in him. I want him to take risks. I want him to be fearless. I want him to know that he always has a soft place to land, metaphorically speaking. However, when it comes to reckless abandon, the couch isn’t always there. Where do I draw the line and let him take a digger into the floor? I am all for natural consequences but I am also feeling the tug of protecting him. As a mother that protectiveness is instinctual and I have to fight it when it comes to Monkey. I don’t want him to be a nervous, scared child and I want him to experience consequences so that he can start to gain a sense of cause and effect.
Luckily he never got hurt and so all my fears went unfounded. This is hard working being a mom of a boy and with Bubsy getting older by the minute I have a feeling I will be breathless for years to come. I can only imagine that this breathlessness lasts well into manhood as you watch your little boy take hits in football, step on to a stage for a first time, go on a first date, take a big test, drive a car (maybe my sons will love public transportation?), go off to college, or even get married and have babies. I think I will always be holding my breath as my sons take risks. It will make the sigh of relief that much more special when I watch them succeed. While I know there will be failures, I can breathe easy knowing that I did all I could to foster a confidence within them that helped them get right back on that couch and jump to the ottoman, no matter how far away.
Tidbits: Parents Reaction
Courtesy Michael Thompson: Several experiments have concluded that parent's reactions to their children are often gender-skewed. These experiments noted that parents comforted a crying girl sooner and longer than boys. Parents often overlook the strength of girls and the vulnerabilities of boys.
Abuse statistics confirm that boys are at a great risk of being abused than girls.
In my professional development, our RtI Consultant filled us in on new research that concluded that the faster a parent responded to their child with language such as "Oh, you swatted your toy!" or " I hear you are starting to get hungry." was directly linked to if a child was on time or late hitting developmental milestones in language.
Abuse statistics confirm that boys are at a great risk of being abused than girls.
In my professional development, our RtI Consultant filled us in on new research that concluded that the faster a parent responded to their child with language such as "Oh, you swatted your toy!" or " I hear you are starting to get hungry." was directly linked to if a child was on time or late hitting developmental milestones in language.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Tidbits: Bali Tradition and Maternity Leave
We all know that attachment is an important part of infancy. In Bali tradition, babies are not allowed to touch the ground for the first 100 days of life. They are carried by or sleeping with an adult at all times. At 100 days, a little ceremony is preformed and the baby's feet are allowed to touch the ground for the first time.
There are some people who believe human babies need a "4th Trimester" to finish developing as they are the only mammal so helpless when born. This 4th trimester happens outside of the womb for the first 12 weeks of life while a baby continues to develop and desires sometimes constant human touch.
Did you know in Norway maternity and paternity leave is MANDATORY! In many European countries, mothers get paid the first year of their child's life so they can stay home. In America, our maternity and paternity policies are shitty. Maybe if we spent some more time allowing parents to bond with their children in those early months of life, we wouldn't be spending millions and millions trying to fix them as soon as they get to school. I'm just saying.
There are some people who believe human babies need a "4th Trimester" to finish developing as they are the only mammal so helpless when born. This 4th trimester happens outside of the womb for the first 12 weeks of life while a baby continues to develop and desires sometimes constant human touch.
Did you know in Norway maternity and paternity leave is MANDATORY! In many European countries, mothers get paid the first year of their child's life so they can stay home. In America, our maternity and paternity policies are shitty. Maybe if we spent some more time allowing parents to bond with their children in those early months of life, we wouldn't be spending millions and millions trying to fix them as soon as they get to school. I'm just saying.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Little Men
I know there is lots of research out there about boys and I’ve heard lots of it at professional research that I’ve attended for work. You see, by the time I get boys in my class, sometimes they are already in trouble. Sometimes they have been brought up to be a “little man” instead of a little boy or even a little human. Sometimes parents have already resigned themselves to the fact that their sons will never be as smart as their daughters. Sometimes boys come to my class already thinking it is not okay to cry and that it is more important to be tough than smart or kind. Sometimes I just want to shake parents and tell them whoever their little boy they are PERFECT.
For this post, I will talk about the little men…
95% of the students I have taught are at-risk. My first experience in teaching was in SE Washington, DC. I am a white, middle-class, college-educated, Midwest woman. I stood out like a sore thumb. The entire staff was Black, minus one other young white teacher. Yes, I said it, Black because that is what they called themselves and expected me to too. They scoffed at African-American, but I digress. The entire staff was Black, the ENTIRE student population (Pre-K - 5th grade) was Black. This story could go on and on because I had some amazing experiences there but my point is that in that school, I have never seen so many young boys who thought they were men! You could hear it echoing in the hallways (which is in part due to the fact that it was an open space school), “You think you’re so grown?!” as a form of telling a student they are still a child and to stop acting like they know more than the teacher. Don’t get me wrong, this is not an appropriate way to discipline (degrade?) a student, but in a school where corporal punishment was alive and kicking, it was probably a more appropriate choice. I actually had one Black teacher tell me that one of my students was “such a little n***er” WHAT?! Her reasoning was that because he dressed like a little man, had his hair done like a little man, sang rap songs that had words even a grown man would sound disgusting singing, and hit on girls like a grown man that he was a n-word. I was shocked, first of all, to hear a word I would never even imagine saying, but then I was totally offended. This little boy was FIVE YEARS OLD! She called him this because he acted “grown” but where did she get off treating him like he was? How could an adult ever say that about a child? And more importantly, where was he learning that this was appropriate way for a kindergartner to act? Mom of course thought it was awesome that he stuck his tongue down a little girl’s throat and said he was a “little player” already. She was proud of this. I was sickened. This little boy had no chance of getting out of the situation he was in. His story, while on the extreme end of the spectrum was commonplace. Little boys were praised for talking, walking, dressing, and even flirting like grown men.
My point is that these “tough” little men, at some point in their lives, were expected to grow up much faster than they should have. One study I found interesting was one done in hopes of figuring out what children do when their mother exhibits a “still face” or a “poker face.” Children were strapped in to what I imagine to be high chairs. They played with their mother for a period of 2 minutes and then the mother turned away from them and turned back with a still face. Researches wanted to find out how the four month olds reestablished a relationship with their mother. They weren’t looking for gender differences but they couldn’t ignore what they found. All the babies become distressed and most of them cried when they couldn’t get their mother to react to them again. However, after a short period of time, two-thirds of the girls calmed down and looked around at the lab lights or the design on their chair. It was the majority of boys that continued to cry, were unable to console themselves and some even struggled wildly against the straps in an attempt to break free and make contact with their mothers. The researchers concluded, among other things, that the girls were more resourceful in calming themselves and that boys are not tough at all. They became increasingly distressed as they could not revive the connection between themselves and their mothers. This experiment is talked about in It’s a Boy! By Michael Thompson. I have also heard other research finding the same thing. Little boys are not nearly as tough as we see them to be.
My son is sensitive. I mean in the song “5 Little Ducks” when mother duck doesn’t have any of her ducks come home, I sing it sadly and he cried for the first 20 times I did this. He is very aware of his little brother’s feelings and needs and is incredibly patient in trying to calm him when I am taking too long making a bottle. I worry that he will get picked on or won’t know how to stand up for himself. I worry that this empathy will be seen as a sign of weakness. Then I remember that the most wonderful men I have known have these qualities. They are also strong, confident and sometimes still exude that boyhood reckless abandon. I want my son to be like these men and try to remind myself about this every time the worry of being overly sensitive creeps in to my mind. I have to remind myself that my son is perfect just the way he is. I have to remind myself that while he is so sensitive, he also is fearless and crazy silly. In ending this post, I am reminding myself that my son is perfect the way he is. If we just let their little personalities be what they will be, lead by example, and be there for them, in a generation the world will be filled with all kinds of perfect men. Imagine what world that would be.
For this post, I will talk about the little men…
95% of the students I have taught are at-risk. My first experience in teaching was in SE Washington, DC. I am a white, middle-class, college-educated, Midwest woman. I stood out like a sore thumb. The entire staff was Black, minus one other young white teacher. Yes, I said it, Black because that is what they called themselves and expected me to too. They scoffed at African-American, but I digress. The entire staff was Black, the ENTIRE student population (Pre-K - 5th grade) was Black. This story could go on and on because I had some amazing experiences there but my point is that in that school, I have never seen so many young boys who thought they were men! You could hear it echoing in the hallways (which is in part due to the fact that it was an open space school), “You think you’re so grown?!” as a form of telling a student they are still a child and to stop acting like they know more than the teacher. Don’t get me wrong, this is not an appropriate way to discipline (degrade?) a student, but in a school where corporal punishment was alive and kicking, it was probably a more appropriate choice. I actually had one Black teacher tell me that one of my students was “such a little n***er” WHAT?! Her reasoning was that because he dressed like a little man, had his hair done like a little man, sang rap songs that had words even a grown man would sound disgusting singing, and hit on girls like a grown man that he was a n-word. I was shocked, first of all, to hear a word I would never even imagine saying, but then I was totally offended. This little boy was FIVE YEARS OLD! She called him this because he acted “grown” but where did she get off treating him like he was? How could an adult ever say that about a child? And more importantly, where was he learning that this was appropriate way for a kindergartner to act? Mom of course thought it was awesome that he stuck his tongue down a little girl’s throat and said he was a “little player” already. She was proud of this. I was sickened. This little boy had no chance of getting out of the situation he was in. His story, while on the extreme end of the spectrum was commonplace. Little boys were praised for talking, walking, dressing, and even flirting like grown men.
My point is that these “tough” little men, at some point in their lives, were expected to grow up much faster than they should have. One study I found interesting was one done in hopes of figuring out what children do when their mother exhibits a “still face” or a “poker face.” Children were strapped in to what I imagine to be high chairs. They played with their mother for a period of 2 minutes and then the mother turned away from them and turned back with a still face. Researches wanted to find out how the four month olds reestablished a relationship with their mother. They weren’t looking for gender differences but they couldn’t ignore what they found. All the babies become distressed and most of them cried when they couldn’t get their mother to react to them again. However, after a short period of time, two-thirds of the girls calmed down and looked around at the lab lights or the design on their chair. It was the majority of boys that continued to cry, were unable to console themselves and some even struggled wildly against the straps in an attempt to break free and make contact with their mothers. The researchers concluded, among other things, that the girls were more resourceful in calming themselves and that boys are not tough at all. They became increasingly distressed as they could not revive the connection between themselves and their mothers. This experiment is talked about in It’s a Boy! By Michael Thompson. I have also heard other research finding the same thing. Little boys are not nearly as tough as we see them to be.
My son is sensitive. I mean in the song “5 Little Ducks” when mother duck doesn’t have any of her ducks come home, I sing it sadly and he cried for the first 20 times I did this. He is very aware of his little brother’s feelings and needs and is incredibly patient in trying to calm him when I am taking too long making a bottle. I worry that he will get picked on or won’t know how to stand up for himself. I worry that this empathy will be seen as a sign of weakness. Then I remember that the most wonderful men I have known have these qualities. They are also strong, confident and sometimes still exude that boyhood reckless abandon. I want my son to be like these men and try to remind myself about this every time the worry of being overly sensitive creeps in to my mind. I have to remind myself that my son is perfect just the way he is. I have to remind myself that while he is so sensitive, he also is fearless and crazy silly. In ending this post, I am reminding myself that my son is perfect the way he is. If we just let their little personalities be what they will be, lead by example, and be there for them, in a generation the world will be filled with all kinds of perfect men. Imagine what world that would be.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Tidbits: 3 Important Brain Differences
I have heard lots of the research out there on the differences that boys and girls learn but this I think Michael Thompson sums it up nicely.
1. Boys see the world differently. Some research indicates that at 1 day old, boys would prefer to look at mechanical objects while girls wanted to look at faces. This research is controversial but has been somewhat confirmed by the research at 1 year of age when boys would much rather watch movies about cars and girls want to see movies about people. I’m kind of confused why one year olds are watching movies at all, but I’m no researcher. Boys and girls also have a different thickness of retinas and the cones and rods are distributed differently which some believe is the reason boys and girls prefer different colors.
2. Boys don’t hear as well. Infant girls actually hear better at birth, especially in the range of human voices. Some research suggests this is why boys are slower to pick up language. I refuse this let this be an excuse to Monkey’s recent selective hearing.
3. Boys learn language slower and don’t use it as effectively as girls. Any married woman could have told you this. I think for me, this is the most important one as this lack of language rears its ugly head in the form of tantrums when our boys get frustrated with their inability to communicate with us. Research at Yale suggests that men and women actual learn language using different parts of their brain.
1. Boys see the world differently. Some research indicates that at 1 day old, boys would prefer to look at mechanical objects while girls wanted to look at faces. This research is controversial but has been somewhat confirmed by the research at 1 year of age when boys would much rather watch movies about cars and girls want to see movies about people. I’m kind of confused why one year olds are watching movies at all, but I’m no researcher. Boys and girls also have a different thickness of retinas and the cones and rods are distributed differently which some believe is the reason boys and girls prefer different colors.
2. Boys don’t hear as well. Infant girls actually hear better at birth, especially in the range of human voices. Some research suggests this is why boys are slower to pick up language. I refuse this let this be an excuse to Monkey’s recent selective hearing.
3. Boys learn language slower and don’t use it as effectively as girls. Any married woman could have told you this. I think for me, this is the most important one as this lack of language rears its ugly head in the form of tantrums when our boys get frustrated with their inability to communicate with us. Research at Yale suggests that men and women actual learn language using different parts of their brain.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Poop
While I was sitting on the couch, typing away on the computer, I smelled the distinct smell of dirty diaper. The conversation went something like this.
Mommy: "Monkey, did you poop?"
Monkey: "Did you poop?"
As he was saying this, he walked over to me and picked up the back of my shirt to "check" to see if I have pooped. Oh boy...
Friday, February 5, 2010
Intro
I'm not sure how I want to start my first blog post. I sat here typing, deleting, typing, deleting, ty.., nope delete. I have so much to say and feel so unorganized in my thoughts about this amazing journey I have been enlisted in to: raising boys. Maybe I will just start with a background story for now.
My husband, BC, and I met while we were in high school. We went to colleges in different states and somehow managed to change together instead of growing apart. We were married after dating for 5 years and have now been married for almost 6 years. I am blessed to have an amazing husband who is also an amazing dad. AWWW.... /mushy chit chat.
Our first son, Monkey, was born after 2 years of infertility/miscarriage issues. He was an un-medicated pregnancy miracle. He is hilarious, smart, goofy, and an amazing big brother. He really is the light of our life.
Our second son, Bubsy, was conceived after one night (well, morning actually) of deciding what the hell, no need for precautions. I mean it did take us 2 years and a couple thousand dollars for our first babe right? SURPRISE. I guess it really is true, it only takes once. We are still getting to know this little guy as he is only 11 weeks old. He is unbelievably in love with his older brother already. He hears his voice and his face lights up. We are enjoying his snuggles while they last!
I am excited to start posting about my boy-sterous (yes, gag-me pun intended) household. I hope to use this blog as a place to vent, share, and relive all that comes with raising boys.
My husband, BC, and I met while we were in high school. We went to colleges in different states and somehow managed to change together instead of growing apart. We were married after dating for 5 years and have now been married for almost 6 years. I am blessed to have an amazing husband who is also an amazing dad. AWWW.... /mushy chit chat.
Our first son, Monkey, was born after 2 years of infertility/miscarriage issues. He was an un-medicated pregnancy miracle. He is hilarious, smart, goofy, and an amazing big brother. He really is the light of our life.
Our second son, Bubsy, was conceived after one night (well, morning actually) of deciding what the hell, no need for precautions. I mean it did take us 2 years and a couple thousand dollars for our first babe right? SURPRISE. I guess it really is true, it only takes once. We are still getting to know this little guy as he is only 11 weeks old. He is unbelievably in love with his older brother already. He hears his voice and his face lights up. We are enjoying his snuggles while they last!
I am excited to start posting about my boy-sterous (yes, gag-me pun intended) household. I hope to use this blog as a place to vent, share, and relive all that comes with raising boys.
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