Little Men

I know there is lots of research out there about boys and I’ve heard lots of it at professional research that I’ve attended for work. You see, by the time I get boys in my class, sometimes they are already in trouble. Sometimes they have been brought up to be a “little man” instead of a little boy or even a little human. Sometimes parents have already resigned themselves to the fact that their sons will never be as smart as their daughters. Sometimes boys come to my class already thinking it is not okay to cry and that it is more important to be tough than smart or kind. Sometimes I just want to shake parents and tell them whoever their little boy they are PERFECT.
For this post, I will talk about the little men…

95% of the students I have taught are at-risk. My first experience in teaching was in SE Washington, DC. I am a white, middle-class, college-educated, Midwest woman. I stood out like a sore thumb. The entire staff was Black, minus one other young white teacher. Yes, I said it, Black because that is what they called themselves and expected me to too. They scoffed at African-American, but I digress. The entire staff was Black, the ENTIRE student population (Pre-K - 5th grade) was Black. This story could go on and on because I had some amazing experiences there but my point is that in that school, I have never seen so many young boys who thought they were men! You could hear it echoing in the hallways (which is in part due to the fact that it was an open space school), “You think you’re so grown?!” as a form of telling a student they are still a child and to stop acting like they know more than the teacher. Don’t get me wrong, this is not an appropriate way to discipline (degrade?) a student, but in a school where corporal punishment was alive and kicking, it was probably a more appropriate choice. I actually had one Black teacher tell me that one of my students was “such a little n***er” WHAT?! Her reasoning was that because he dressed like a little man, had his hair done like a little man, sang rap songs that had words even a grown man would sound disgusting singing, and hit on girls like a grown man that he was a n-word. I was shocked, first of all, to hear a word I would never even imagine saying, but then I was totally offended. This little boy was FIVE YEARS OLD! She called him this because he acted “grown” but where did she get off treating him like he was? How could an adult ever say that about a child? And more importantly, where was he learning that this was appropriate way for a kindergartner to act? Mom of course thought it was awesome that he stuck his tongue down a little girl’s throat and said he was a “little player” already. She was proud of this. I was sickened. This little boy had no chance of getting out of the situation he was in. His story, while on the extreme end of the spectrum was commonplace. Little boys were praised for talking, walking, dressing, and even flirting like grown men.

My point is that these “tough” little men, at some point in their lives, were expected to grow up much faster than they should have. One study I found interesting was one done in hopes of figuring out what children do when their mother exhibits a “still face” or a “poker face.” Children were strapped in to what I imagine to be high chairs. They played with their mother for a period of 2 minutes and then the mother turned away from them and turned back with a still face. Researches wanted to find out how the four month olds reestablished a relationship with their mother. They weren’t looking for gender differences but they couldn’t ignore what they found. All the babies become distressed and most of them cried when they couldn’t get their mother to react to them again. However, after a short period of time, two-thirds of the girls calmed down and looked around at the lab lights or the design on their chair. It was the majority of boys that continued to cry, were unable to console themselves and some even struggled wildly against the straps in an attempt to break free and make contact with their mothers. The researchers concluded, among other things, that the girls were more resourceful in calming themselves and that boys are not tough at all. They became increasingly distressed as they could not revive the connection between themselves and their mothers. This experiment is talked about in It’s a Boy! By Michael Thompson. I have also heard other research finding the same thing. Little boys are not nearly as tough as we see them to be.

My son is sensitive. I mean in the song “5 Little Ducks” when mother duck doesn’t have any of her ducks come home, I sing it sadly and he cried for the first 20 times I did this. He is very aware of his little brother’s feelings and needs and is incredibly patient in trying to calm him when I am taking too long making a bottle. I worry that he will get picked on or won’t know how to stand up for himself. I worry that this empathy will be seen as a sign of weakness. Then I remember that the most wonderful men I have known have these qualities. They are also strong, confident and sometimes still exude that boyhood reckless abandon. I want my son to be like these men and try to remind myself about this every time the worry of being overly sensitive creeps in to my mind. I have to remind myself that my son is perfect just the way he is. I have to remind myself that while he is so sensitive, he also is fearless and crazy silly. In ending this post, I am reminding myself that my son is perfect the way he is. If we just let their little personalities be what they will be, lead by example, and be there for them, in a generation the world will be filled with all kinds of perfect men. Imagine what world that would be.